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So, I got a call back from the company that will be manufacturing the... dildos... and they are going to need me to take and send the molds soon. So... when you guys are available, I'm going have to... do that. Just... let me know.

Well, not me necessarily, a Klokateer probably will. But... you get the general idea.

Christmas is our best time of year for merchandising, so I was considering contacting some of the elves from the very unusual altercation we had last year and having them do some sort of campaign. They seemed to be appropriately "metal" enough. They enjoyed drinking and women, and they could probably be convinced in return for an owed favor.

I don't even know who actually remembers this happening.

Anyway, there's your... heads up.

Character: Charles Foster Offdensen
Fandom: Metalocalypse
Words: 1,079
Prompt: "Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!" - Dr. Strangelove

Top of the line tracking system, the greatest surveillance technology short of the Chinese military, the most elite and specialized brutality authorized security force known to the private sector, and still they couldn't find them. It was wearing on Offdensen's nerves. He was impatient and intolerant of failure. Any failure. Whether it was his own, or that of the people he gave the distinct honor of employment under Dethklok.

The expansive red locator screen blared light down on them with migraine intensity, bathing the modest looking businessman in a hateful glow and his glasses reflected the settings and images that he flipped through on the smaller screen in front of him. Behind him, a squadron of loyal Klokateers was just as involved in their duty.

Where is he? He can't keep hiding from me forever. Only a hint of that fierce determination worked its way into his expression. Mostly, though, his face was cold. He'd grown so used to watering down those emotions to marketable and tolerable that showing any was a bit of a strain on him. He never got more than a bit of a smile, or a deeply furrowed brow with a tightly pursed mouth. The most significant expression he had was that cold, analytical and somewhat vicious stare.

"HEY GUY!"

Deep, bass, and booming, Offdensen couldn't mistake who that voice belonged to. He'd made the most important advances to his career off that voice, and as much as he valued it at the same time it made his hair stand on end and his teeth grit. He had important things to do at the moment. Important things that would help keep Nathan and the rest of the band alive; and somehow, even with a nuclear missile and several very obvious attacks made on their person the point of this protection still seemed to elude him.

But he could maintain his composure. He could maintain it through anything from a war to talking to a group of drunken rock-stars.

Though if asked, he might say that he preferred the war.

He turned away from the screen in front of him, standing stiff and alert as he ever did; in fact it was no wonder that they compared the brunet to a robot.

"Yes, Nathan?"

The hulking band member stood in front of him, giving him a glassy look for a moment as whatever it was that he was wanting to say fluttered oh so gracefully out of his mind... and then back again. "Uh, yeah. Can you tell Pierre to make us some really good french fries. Yeah. That was it. The fat ones. Not those skinny ones."

"Nathan. This is the war room. The kitchen is closer. I'll tell him, but you really need not to come into this particular room while we're monitoring for threats."

"That... is a really big screen."

Yes, he'd lost him. Offdensen reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, brow furrowing and he winced behind his glasses. "Yes, it is Nathan. You need to go now."

"Hey! Whatsh goin' on in here?! Wow, holy shit, that's a big screen!"

The odd, triangular shape in the doorway drew the brunet's attention, and frowned again. Nathan... was mostly harmless. His biggest issue was that he didn't listen, but he was easily distracted and bored and would go off on his merry way if presented with the appropriate distraction. Murderface was a bit more difficult to dissuade. "William! You're not supposed to be in here. I'll have Pierre order the fries-"

"I don'tsh want fuckin' frisch you fuckin' shithead! I wantsh to ask Nathan a question."

"What do you want, Murderface?" The frontman asked, or more bellowed from his lower level up at the bassist in the doorway.

"Can I get buffalo wingsch instead of the frisch?"

"No! You're the only one who'll eat them, and... yeah. You'll end up kind of gross with them, and I don't want to throw up. Thank you."

"I WON'T THROW UP! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SHUCSH A DICK!?"

"Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room." Offdensen quickly interjected, attempting to stop the disagreement before it got too far out of hand. Murderface, of course, didn't shut up. Nathan at least turned his attention on the manager instead of continuing to argue. Though even when he lowered his voice, there was something of a booming, intimidating quality to it.

"So uh... why... can't you fight in the War Room?"

"Because it's got sensitive equipment, Nathan. And you guys can get rough. So uh... if you're going to fight, take it outside."

"What does this sensvitive- sensitive equipment do?"

"A lot of things, Nathan. But those guys? The ones at the monitors? They take care of it. So uh.... you should go."

"WHY ARE YOU GUYSCH IGNORING ME!"

"SHUT UP MURDERFACE! I'M ASKING QUESTIONS! How does it work?"

Perplexed, the band's chief financial officer got a bit of a worried, tired expression. "...I have no idea Nathan. It plugs into a power source, and it does things."

"Do they scan on and on forever? Or just around Mordhaus?"

"...Just... around Mordhaus. Can you please leave? Now? I would really like you to."

"That's not fair. That's a hurtful thing to say." The front man frowned harder, in a way that Offdensen had become a little hardened to. He was used to those exasperated looks; almost anything that he told them to do got that sort of reaction. He didn't even respond to the insults or jibes any more. What good would it do if he did? He just did his job, whether they listened to him or not, took their money when they paid him, and then went on with his life like he didn't need anyone approving of him or giving him a little kindness. No. Not Offdensen. Those sorts of attachments were damning.

"Come on, Murderface," the taller man continued, heading back for the door.

"I know, I schaw. He can be a real dick schometimesh. And while I reshpect being a dick, you shouldn't treat your employersh that way."

As they walked out, the businessman bit back the urge to argue. Instead, he turned back to the screen and started going over the contents once again. At least, in the end, he had an outlet for all of that frustration. He just had to wait for that outlet to come to him.

[(I didn't have a beta-reader for this, so if there are any huge noticeable mistakes I apologize. I have that remarkable ability to look over my own errors. Not RP related.)]

I am very proud to announce that the band returned from L.A. after causing minimum damage during a public event. Sure there were... a number of people electrocuted but a lot of survivors as well and I'm actually very proud. Good work, guys.

As a reward, I've decided to set up another small Pillow War on December 4th in Humptulips, Washington. The appropriate door will be set up for people to use since that's... quite a distance in some cases. For those of you who have never been invited before, this is how it works. Two teams are set up on either end of a mattress maze with pillows for defense. All participants will be equipped with paintball guns; white ammunition for the red team and black ammunition for the black team. Shot three times by enemy fire, and you are out. Each gun is only equipped with six shots. You are also equipped with a roll of duct tape and an excess of defense pillows which you can use to fortify your side's defense. Each side is expected to capture the flag of the opposite side. Whichever side wins will win a %50 lifetime F.Y.E. or exchangably a Best Buy discount and a lifetime supply of Duncan Hills coffee.

If you respond to the e-vite that just sent out, your team uniform will be mailed out and should arrive by Monday.

To everyone in general, have a happy Thanksgiving. If you hate that holiday because of Native Americans or because of the rampant gluttony or whatever, that's fine. Go ahead and be miserable if it's your prerogative. I have things to do.

Addendum: Also, lethal weapons are prohibited during the event. They may be kept nearby under Klokateer supervision, but due to previous incidents they won't be allowed in the combat zone.

VH1 will be airing the Snakes and Barrels: Where are They Now Now special. Apparently they have a new front man, so I expect you to maintain your calm, Pickles. You have to remember that they have a restraining order against you. They felt interacting with you would be a negative influence on their rehabilitation.

I believe I'll actually take a day off tomorrow. I'm supposed to have drink with... Becky... who from what I gather is pretty much the demon queen of all lawyers. Which is... quite the title... and a bit intimidating when you think about it.

[Private]

I enjoy talking to her a great deal. She has some of the most compelling viewpoints I have heard in a long time. But... I'm having a lot of difficulty looking at her face.... or lack thereof.

[/Private]

Dick, I would like to talk to you concerning the upcoming album. There have been some alarming rumors concerning the Revengencers and I now have some threatening letters on my desk from one of the fan sects.

I was thinking that for the album release that we could use some minor public and private events. Something to keep the press curious and a higher class of clientele investing in your company. After all, it's not just about the music. It's about the business that the music is backing. Without the business, you guys can't afford the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed. Without the music, you can't keep the business running. So... keep that in mind.

I believe we've exhausted almost every available form of merchandising. The only property that comes close to rivaling us in having their name on products is Disney's High School Musical. We have doorknobs, steak sauce, hot sauce, tutorial videos, fifty-seven different typse of candy, microwavable Salisbury steak dinners, seventeen coffee blends, twenty private islands, two resorts, tissue paper, baby wipes, actual money, crayons, special meals at three fast food chains, cell phones, and tampons.

That's not even the start of it, but you generally get the idea.

Public appearances make us a lot of money, as do private events that lure the press to send tabloid reporters. Usually I... really don't like those people. But they can be useful if the event they believe they were being excluded from is set up to accommodate approvable cover shots.

There are other matters that should not be getting out to the press. You guys have an image to upkeep and I don't want the public knowing anything that would destroy that image. I suspect that given certain musical movements, if you don't get the album out and this information is released, it could be destructive to your popularity and fan morale. The economy is already suffering and... someone that I'm not really sure about is gaining power in the U.S. government. It could be bad for us, and it worries me.

When you're not making music, please put your thinking caps on. Though please don't threaten to kill me if I dismiss any really bad ideas. I have a major type 12 security grid complete with armaments to set up and an elite security force to train. Your protection comes first and foremost.

I've taken the time to lay out a vague schedule of events that Dethklok is expected to attend in the next few months. The Louvre Rebuilding Function, because it's still recovering from the negative comments that Murderface made about it and the subsequent fan revolt. As a center of culture, it's added a new wing dedicated to metal. I expect you guys to support it's rebuilding, as it's initial destruction was very bad publicity and the new wing will be exactly the opposite.

Alongside that, there are a few public events that I need you guys to attend. There is going to be a political debate in Albany along with an enormous press conference. I do know that Ta'Quil will be attending, and possibly the Lethal Interjection Crew so I expect you guys to be nice. No more shoot-outs. I would appreciate it, because we've had too many media disasters this year, and that's not even including the Duncan Hills incidents.

There will be a gathering of royalty in London, England, and you guys will be playing a concert there. Though we do have new doubles for the parade. You are not allowed contact with these doubles. ...All you do is... pal around when you have them... instead of actually working.

I still have to work out the dates to some of the other events, and call in Dick Knubbler to start going over the tracks that weren't poured out. I emphasize again, you really need to start working on that album. It's not just a matter of your money being at risk, but your safety as well. It's getting more difficult and I've taken measures to make sure that Dethklok's newest album release will have the best security, but there are some members of the Revengencers that are... formidable. There have even been reports of fan disappearances [Private] that we didn't cause [/Private] that are very unsettling.

I suppose I'm a little busier than usual. I'm just glad that I enjoy my work... I suppose I should ask how that... rose thing went. I uh... am not good at... these things.

As you have been informed, the move against our aggressor was successful. The cat wasn't apprehended initially, but she returned to Mordhaus and... Fujiko managed to kill her.... with the boots she had been very upset over losing. So, thank you Fujiko. I'm sure I'm not the only one glad you did it... and you finally have those boots back.

To thank the Monarch and Sheila for their assistance, I dipped into my personal account and purchased them a high powered energy beam. They'll probably make good use of it... not on me... since apparently in the Monarch's recent battle everything went well. I am very happy for him and this loophole he found, and wish him and his future / former enemy the best. That was always the man he truly wanted.

Though this hasn't really lessened my stress. Due to my recent crack-downs on spending, they've hired another financial manager. Mr. Melmord Fjordslorn, who I will be working in conjunction with.

[Private]

I will not be able to tolerate this man touching my things much longer. I can tell just from looking at him that he wants to take them away from me.

It's this... look.... that he gives me. Like he's thinking that they're going to choose him. Like he's thinking he'll talk them into dismissing me. But he won't. And I'll offer him my cigars. And I'll offer him my brandy. And I'll be a perfect gentleman.

...Until I kill him.

That's when I'll stop.

And I'm pretty sure I will.... kill him.

[/Private]

I've informed Spike that he needs to be on the look out for the alternate version of Fujiko. Be informed, everyone, that she bears a striking similarity to Fujiko other than having cat ears and a tail. I was unable to see the result of Fujiko taking her on because we had a concert at the hospital.... and uh... my face hurts. I... fell out a window during the Revengencer attack. I'm fine.... but it was inconvenient.

I'm unsure of what precisely the Revengencers have planned. To keep Dethklok safe, especially after an attack of such close proximity, I feel that we should increase security. Unfortunately we can't do more than a slight increase because Dethklok is losing money at an alarming rate.

If Dethklok doesn't finish it's album within the deadline, there's a very good chance they could find themselves bankrupt. The only way to prevent that is to more economically manage money. No more necessary spending. 10,000 dollars here, 50,000 there. It does start adding up over time.

Fuel prices are outrageous as well, so I'm going to discuss with Byron if he would be willing to put a "nexus point". A group of doors that would make transportation between one place and the other a great deal more simple, primarily for band use. Though.... I'd likely relocate the Venture Compound door to the general Colorado Springs area.

...I can't really remember why I had it at the Compound to begin with.

Anyway, the point is I do not want Dethklok to lose its financial standing. I've... become rather attached to working for them. It's been an enormous emotional and physical investment. I really can't let them do this to themselves. That would be letting them down. So... from this week on until they finish the next album, I'll be monitoring their spending.

Whatever was wrong seemed to be okay by the time that I woke up this morning. My teeth are back to normal. I stopped by the hospital and they couldn't find anything wrong. They've been dealing with a rash of summer colds, but they were able to make time for me.

So.... okay then. I suppose it's all the better to focus on business.

We have had a number of injuries occur with Dethklok, as I am sure you are mostly well aware. It would be prudent for us to hold a benefit concert and improve our public standing. Especially after the Duncan Hills accidents, an encouraging move by Dethklok for the aid of it's fans is needed. We're already suffering in record sales.

It appears that William Murderface will be performing the National Anthem. I'm glad because we do need the positive publicity after... recent issues. The performance will be broadcast live globally. I recommended that he should get a skin treatment before the performance but... I... don't believe that he was actually listening to me.

I believe we will have to transfer Rebecca Nightrod out of the Mordhaus Hospital. The staff tells me that she's not happy with her accommodations in Mordhaus. I don't know how they would know... she's... in a coma. I'm more inclined to believe that they simply don't want to be responsible for her any more. I will have to speak with Nathan about what to do with her whenever he is in the mood to pay attention to me. These moments come few and far between, so please contact me the moment that he is more receptive than usual.

We've been experiencing more issues with the fan sects and the one anti-Dethklok group, the Revengencers. We were able to take care of the Wisconsin Dreadheads and the GMILF Alliance before they did any lasting damage, and I would very much like to avoid future altercations if it can be helped. I'm going to put my security crew on full alert. Which means that you actually have to be awake and sober for the portion of the day you need to be doing your duty.

In the meantime, while officially the U.N. contract exonerates us of most activity due to your influential status, you guys in the band have to remember you have an influential status. Being a part of Dethklok means that you inspire others and gives your actions greater consequences. You have to be responsible. You also have to work on that album so that you can keep that status. You guys have spent a lot of money and haven't put out another album to make that money back. I'm counting on you. The world is counting on you. You need to stop being lazy.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I think Pickles is the only one who can actually read anymore.

I took a short vacation and... Pickles got a new P.R. representative while I was gone. There's something a little unsettling about her, and that's beside the fact that she apparently can't tell the difference between good and bad publicity. While they say that there's no "bad" publicity, I honestly believe that you can do yourself a disservice, and while Pickles is likely the most intelligent member of the band a lot of the appearances she's scheduling... don't... really highlight that fact.

At least with the touring there are a number of new singles. They have a private appearance scheduled with... what honestly to me... doesn't look like a legitimate private organization. But, if they want to do it, then I'll make it happen.

Someone has proposed the idea of a Nathan Explosion holiday in his native state of Florida. The State Representative got in contact with me and... if it pans out it could actually provide good press. That isn't related to cheap and violent game shows or slovenly appearances at awards shows. Really, I don't believe the whole display worthy of Courtney Love can do Dethklok much good.

[Lock to Lupin]

Do you think that they've attributed the Atlantic City robbery to you yet? I saw a small snippet on the news but... not too much. Were you wanting people to notice that one? Or... were you just seeing what you could get away with.

....And... please tell me you tied that crab to a brick and threw it off the dock. I never have had that many blood blisters.

[/Lock]

[(As a note to journal readers, I will be spelling his name "Offdensen" from now on as that's how it's spelled on all "official" announcements outside of the IGN painwaiver. Also, since his title is the Chief Financial Officer and not Manager, I changed the journal name. As I started using the 'Mr. Manager' thing before his official title and his name became clear, those will be struck from the record by canon revelation proxy.)]

I'm afraid that there have been some merchandising setbacks on the heels of some unfortunate news to come out of Australia. It seems that the head of Dethklok Australia was assassinated by a group called the Revengencers. We had been ignoring the movement because it seemed rather small and insignificant. In comparison to the GMILF Alliance and the Wisconsin Dreadheads, as far as fan sects go they lacked much of the power of the previous associations.

I'm afraid this has been keeping me a little bit busy. I've been slow about going through the approved mail to pass on to the band. When you guys are ready for your letters, just let me know and I'll finish up. For now I'm dedicating myself to monitoring press releases and evaluating suitable replacements to take over corporate responsibility for Dethklok Australia.

I find myself increasingly concerned these incidents are giving Dethklok too much bad press. People do... love the band... however I believe that love can be tested, especially in the presence of such pronounced opposition. The greatest contribution Dethklok has made to society is encouraging them to think independently from the norms of society. Many of those "sheeple" that were once conformist that are now dedicated Dethklok fans may one day realize... that they don't need Dethklok either.

This puts business under a great deal of danger and a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I expect a lot of work and a lot of investigation to come up in the future.

Since that unpleasant business with the... switched... bodies... whatever that was is over with, I have had a bit of catching up to do. We... finally got one of the prototypes for the booze flavored popsicles in. Obviously it's supposed to be Toki. I... think they did an okay job. They're having trouble with the absinthe in the dragon shaped one. That should be the next prototype due in.

Other than that, things have been pleasantly uneventful. Lupin stole a baby. Monarch has that baby, as far as I know, and I got new tires.

That's... pretty much about it. Nothing of real note going on in Mordhaus that's.... much different from the usual.

....But the fact that I just... saw a short green alien run by my... office.

Has anyone seen Skwisgaar?

There's only so many papers you can draw on or fold into origami before you get totally bored. Does anyone not currently pouring over a book or "making kool-aid" want to go do something or whatever? I'm going fucking stir-crazy over here.

Does someone want to explain to me what the hell happened and why exactly I'm like two feet shorter, nearsighted, and, oh yeah-- IN FUCKING OFDENSEN'S BODY?!

Reducto? Your plan? SUCKED. You don't get to come up with revenge plots anymore! You are hereby BANISHED from plot making!!!

Apparently this month has been particularly eventful. I didn't make any mention of Skwisgaar Skwigelf's romance and marriage to the press because I believed the consequences of which would be disastrous. I would say that I believe that it's inevitable failure was almost a godsend... but... I feel very bad for the young woman that he left at the alter. She might be an android, but I'm certain her father isn't the first scientist to lose a child and produce a replacement. She is still his daughter, and an emotional woman. She is well within her rights to be upset. I believe that I helped her somewhat but... I'm.... not particularly good at consoling people.

As Spike said, Rummy, your tank has been returned. We will cover the cleaning bill, and I would appreciate it if you lost your temper if you wouldn't damage his arms. Those are very expensive. No brain damage, either. I uh... believe he does enough of that to himself.

The State Dinner went very well actually. Everyone was very well behaved (at least superficially), the new doubles passed off as Dethklok flawlessly but for the lack of rampant destruction. I was actually very nice to get out again, and potentially I have a few financial endeavors to look forward to in the future. It wouldn't surprise me if Fujiko didn't either.

We have some very exciting products coming out that I believe will sell very well. Merchandising should have some publicity images for me to show you by next week, which I am very excited to share. The "Popsgaggles" (marketed under that name as well) have a lot of promise, I'm very surprised. The new and improved diePod nano has video capabilities and increased storage space. There are several test models of new Flip-Dethphones that I need to show to the band and ask their opinions on at the next band meeting.

It appears that I will be in California attending to some business, so I was wondering if Phil would like to get a drink with me. While I'm not entirely fond of supervillains, I wouldn't mind seeing that club that I read Myron mentioning.

The werewolf situation, as most of you know, passed over fairly well. No one was hurt... even if... it required an elaborate escape route for Pickles to escape injury. I believe elsewhere there were no incidents. Or rather, none were reported to me.

Pickles appears to be doing better since his unexpected trip to the hospital. I'm... not really sure what to think about all of this. No, no I am sure what to think. I'm just sure no one wants to hear it or people are thinking similarly. One thing I am thinking though is the band has fallen horribly behind on the album, so I'm going to have to rely on Mr. Knubbler to find ways to motivate them. I simply can't do it because they ignore me. Or call me names. Or backtalk me. Or threaten to kill me.

So it's your job now, and I'll follow through on almost any idea that doesn't require physical damage.

Dethklok has been invited to a major dinner in New York. I believe I might hire some more doubles for the appearance but this time I don't believe I'll be introducing them to the band. I doubt I'll receive much of an argument anyway considering how much they dislike public appearances. The Emperor of Japan will be attending, so I will be bringing Fujiko, Shunsui, Nanao, and Goemon.

I'll also be bringing Lupin... because... well... I don't believe he's had much reason to dress up recently and.... I thought I would give him the opportunity to act like a gentleman like his grandfather. Interpol has been informed and no action will be taken against Lupin for the duration of the event.

[Locked to Mordhaus Security and other Dethklok non-band personel]

We have reason to believe that Skwisgaar could possibly be infected with some sort of Werewolf disease, though we're not sure at this point as there was never any sign of him having been bitten and when William was bitten the wound took a great deal of time to heal. But if this is the case, then this coming night he should transform.

If it is not the case, then it could be a form of genetic manipulation. Though the government seemed to be denying any connection to this particular incident and... only one of the afflicted individuals is connected directly to Dethklok.

As a member of Mordhaus security, each person will be assigned a band member that they will be monitoring. You are not to allow any damage to come to this band member... this includes Skwisgaar, which may possibly include keeping him away from me if he does transform. We do have a way to revert someone to a fully human state. We... just have to make it through tonight.

Here are your assignments.

Goemon, you will be assigned to Toki Wartooth. Spike, you will be assigned to Nathan Explosion. Watch out. He throws furniture. Nanao, you will be watching William Murderface. I will be watching Pickles the Drummer. Shunsui, you are going to be assigned to Skwisgaar. Should he transform, do your best to see that he tries not to damage himself or others. Fujiko will alternate with people for short breaks throughout the night.

Pierre, please consider adding a mild sedative to Skwisgaar's food. It might tire him a bit.

So there are your assignments. Let's get cracking.

[/Lock]

I will be a little busy tonight, so if anyone needs to reach me I will likely not be in my office, but you can reach me by phone.

[(OOC: As a reminder, here's the contact list if you want to get ahold of anyone for plot purposes.)]